MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Borowitz Report)—Just minutes after the Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker dropped out of the Republican Presidential race, the billionaire Koch brothers demanded that he return the nine hundred million dollars they had allocated to his campaign.
For the Koch brothers, who purchased Walker earlier this year, the demand for a full cash refund reflected how badly their relationship with the formerly promising candidate had deteriorated.
According to an aide familiar with the phone conversation between Walker and the Kochs, the industrialist brothers were “not amused” that the Governor had blown through millions of their dollars to become the choice of only one per cent of likely Republican voters.
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it,” the aide said. “The Kochs were pissed.”
After “tearing into Scott” for nearly thirty minutes, the Kochs reportedly demanded that Walker return their money “no later than midnight Friday.”
“B-but where am I going to come up with that kind of dough?” Walker asked.
“We don’t care how you get it, Scott,” the Kochs reportedly said. “Just get it.”
On that note, the aide said, the Kochs hung up the phone, leaving Governor Walker staring out into the middle distance.
